GO PLACIDLY amid the cat fanciers,
secure in the knowledge that your cat is superior to all others
and remembering what joy is to be found in being
called for the upper half of a final.
As far as possible, be on good terms with the other exhibitors,
for you never know whose slides will appear in “On the Road Again” in June.
Surround yourself with that which is pleasant by assuring that you will
always be benched next to someone who brings goodies from home.
Always plan on good weather, for the distance from the car
to the showhall is in inverse ratio to weather conditions.
Be pure and clean in all actions
so you will be allowed to stay in the show hotel next year.
Be kind to the dull and ignorant,
for they are PETA’s most treacherous disciples.
Nurture your strength of spirit
so you can face being dumped
after getting Best Cat in the previous ring.
Never be cynical for down that path lies eventual disillusion
and a tendency to calculate just how much each rosette has cost.
Waste not your natural resources
and save all klingons for some future, unspecified use.
Be one with nature and avoid the hotdogs provided by show vendors.
Remember, you cannot spend all day Sunday in the rest room.
Be at peace with yourself, knowing that if cats wanted to talk, they would.
Until they do, assume that they appreciate your efforts.
Above all, keep your purr-spective.