Like 95% of people this past January 1st, I woke up with the New Year’s Resolution to lose weight. Now, this is not the first year I have made this resolution. In fact, the single most consistent fact of my life has been the renewal of a vow to lose weight at the beginning of each new year.
But, like many people, I find losing weight next to impossible. Recently, I realized that perhaps the reason that most diets fail may be because I was thinking and eating like a person.
Most cats are relatively slim — long and lean or tiny and petite. Could the secret to losing weight be as simple as eating and acting like a cat? Thus was born the new Cat Miracle Diet. The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure of the average feline. Just follow this diet for four days and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime Snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon Snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps, and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew on it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
While it is true that the vast majority of cats maintain a slim physique, there are those individuals in the feline family that do aspire to a more rotund figure…so not all cats make a good role model for dieting.